Why is it practically
impossible to get a decent cup of coffee from the office coffee machine?
It’s probably because everyone in your office
is insane!
Life in the American workplace is an unending series of opportunities to discover how incapable those around us are of conquering even the slightest challenge. The office is the great melting pot of our foibles and idiosyncrasies. The “pot” in which this melting is most evident is the office coffee pot: where our collective personality defects provide the slow drip for the robust brew of incompetence.
The coffee maker is truly one of the simplest machines in our lives, yet for some reason, an entire office full of adults can't figure out how to work it properly. Ideally, coffee machine operation should work something like this: water and coffee grounds go in, coffee comes out. However simple this machine may be, its operation is in the hands of a cadre of very complicated individuals. This results in an endless series of coffee pot abuses. I would like to point out the defining characteristics of some of the prime transgressors of office coffee etiquette.
The Sprinkle – The
coffee machine accomplishes its task by dripping hot water through coffee
grounds: fresh coffee grounds.
It's just that
simple. Using the same batch of grounds to brew another pot isn't
going to fool anyone. Sprinkling a pinch of fresh grounds on top does
not have a miraculous rejuvenating effect on a filter basket full of used ones.
Once the grounds have performed their appointed duty, they must be
afforded a decent burial. Don’t dishonor their memory by forcing them to
take part in creating one of those pathetic tea-colored pots of “ghost
coffee.”
The Sizzler – When
the brewing cycle is complete, the clock is ticking. Prolonged exposure
to scalding heat is not a
flavor enhancer. When overheated,
an entire pot of perfectly good coffee will simmer down to about
a tablespoon of black sludge. Remarkably, this does not prevent that
senior member of
the sales staff from pouring this industrial waste into his mug before
returning the pot to the burner with four drops of liquid left in
it.
The
Reheat – Once
a pot of coffee has been allowed to cool down, it won't
come back. Say your goodbyes and pour it out. That room-temperature coffee
is flat lined and the burner switch
is not a defibrillator. Trying to resurrect it by raising its temperature will only result in a “zombie
pot,” and nobody wants that. Take the initiative to bring a new batch into the
world; it's just the right thing to do.
The Decaf Shuffle – Every
office-grade coffee maker comes equipped with an important safety feature:
the orange-handled
pot. This is to protect
us from accidentally drinking decaffeinated coffee, and its importance
cannot be overstated. There is simply no excuse for brewing a
batch of decaf in
a regular pot…none! If you must brew decaf, you must use the
decaf pot. Otherwise, just leave it alone. For most coffee drinkers,
the only reason
to even pick up the orange-handled pot is to rinse the dust out
of it every other month.
The Keeper – From
time to time, one of the pots will mysteriously vanish, often for days
at a time.
What a person would gain from taking the whole
pot is a question for the ages, but it happens with frightening
regularity. No matter how much you love coffee, drinking it
straight out of the pot is
just plain uncouth. The only logical explanation is carelessness;
somebody wanders off with the pot without realizing it. To
make sure that you are
not the offender, check your desk right now. If you have a
giant paperweight that says something like “Bunn Pour-O-Matic,” rinse
it out and put it back.
The Premature
Pour – To
many of us, a fresh pot of coffee is a very exciting thing. If this
enthusiasm is not kept in check, however, it can lead to
one of the cardinal transgressions against coffee etiquette: the
premature pour.
Upon growing impatient, many are driven to daring but foolish
acrobatics involving pots, cups and dangerously hot liquid.
When you attempt a stunt
like this, you stand to gain nothing but getting back to
your desk two minutes sooner. What you risk is burning, spillage,
and humiliation…oh, the
humiliation. However artfully you may approach this gambit,
it just isn't
worth it.
The Overflow – This
is a simple concept, yet it seems baffling to some. When you make coffee,
there has
to be room in the pot for it. I know it's
an extra effort, but it’s well worth it to check.
It's
kind of like making sure that the fuel gauge in your car
doesn't
say “F” before
you pump twelve gallons of gasoline onto the pavement at
the Amoco station.
The Contaminator – Some
people consider the basic flavor of coffee to be a mere starting point:
something of a blank canvas on which to paint
with other hues. This is part of what makes us who we
are,
and I'm
not trying to discourage creativity. I just want to make
sure that somebody else's creativity doesn't
end up in my coffee mug. If you insist on adding foreign
substances to your coffee, have the courtesy not to add
it to everyone else's. Mix up your secret potions
in your own cup and not in the pot. Whether you like
your coffee with a pinch of cinnamon or a hint
of smoked salmon, please have some consideration for the rest of us who prefer that the coffee taste just like coffee.